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A lot of bad things can happen in a week.

I've been thinking a lot recently about friendship. It started on Friday when my relationship ended. As I was leaving his apartment, tears streaming down my face, my first thought was to call my best friend and tell her what happened. The call went straight to voicemail. I managed to choke out, "Hey Rose, it's urgent. Call me back as soon as possible," and then get in my car and drive home without killing anyone. But when I got home I could only think of one person who I was friends enough with to call and talk with: Paul. I knew that if I called him I'd end up crying and the call would be pointless, as he wouldn't be able to understand me, so I sent a text saying I wasn't going to be able to make it to the party anymore. Well, he ended up coming over and watching me bawl and fall to pieces and try to regain composure and fail. When I'd calmed down enough for him to leave again, he promised to come over when he got home from the party to check in on me. It was at that moment that I realized how good of a friend he is to me. Even though he treats me like shit a lot of the time, he's there for me when I need him and knows exactly how to comfort me and make me feel better. I also realized that he's the only person I have here in Salt Lake who can do that. 

I barely have any friends. It's something I've been coming to terms with. I'm rude, I'm a bitch, I purposely say and do hurtful things to people who are nice to me. My lack of relationships is all my fault. Hell, the break up last week could be blamed solely on me. I don't know how to function around people who like me. I get defensive. I refuse to show any emotion that could lead me to getting hurt later. Mitch apparently couldn't tell that I liked him and lost all interest in me. While he was saying things weren't working out, I didn't cry. I held back. I smiled, I agreed with him, I acted like it wasn't a huge deal. I made things worse by confirming his thoughts that I didn't care about him or the relationship. I singlehandedly ruined things during that moment. 

That's what I'm good at: ruining my relationships. Paul told me exactly that after I moved to Ogden this summer and I got really offended, but it's so true. Look at any of the relationships I established during the last school year. Most of them have ended or are on barely-speaking terms. And most of them are probably that way because of something I did.

That pretty much sums up what I've been thinking about during the past week. There's a lot more going on in my mind but this post is sad and pathetic enough as it is, so I'll end it now while I can. Goodnight.